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As usual, I have spent the last week contemplating what I've done in the past year and where I'd like to be a year from now. I was re-reading what I wrote last year at this time and realized I did a pretty bad job following through on most of what I had hoped to accomplish. In fact, I can probably say that I failed miserably with all of my resolutions. I did not forgive my children very easily, I did not accept them for who they were, I was not healthier - in fact I was probably the least healthy I've ever been. I did not look for or find much joy in my life. I wasn't a very good friend, instead retreating even further into isolation. And I didn't save any money. Yeah, I definitely failed with all of that.
The tangible goals I set for myself went a little better. Learning how to make Annie's was my main goal. I definitely succeeded on that one! It took me until the middle of April to start, but once I figured out what to do, I had a blast. I started Heartstring Annie and actually feel like I was pretty successful with it by the last four months of the year. Sales have been pretty good considering the amount of time I'm able to put into it right now.
I did okay with my other goals. I still haven't learned to use my camera properly, but I did do the 365 Day project for HALF of the year. Then the Annie stuff took off and my camera fell far to the wayside. I didn't read 110 books, but I read a lot of longer books than I usually read. I think my final total for the year was eighty-seven. 34,195 pages (I know this because I was having a competition with Greg and we had to use page count to be more accurate since he reads much longer books than me. I won. Five times more reading - hah!). The one date a month thing didn't exactly work out. I forgot to actually think about it. And writing something every day - I tried. I had a couple of books to work through, but when day after day I was writing such negative and hopeless statements I decided to give up. I didn't really want a reason to look back and remember this time in my life.
To be honest, 2013 was a really bad year for me. I was depressed, unhappy, angry, and just very sad. I've felt like a horrible mother, an inadequate wife, a bad friend, and overall a pretty worthless human being. I don't want to dwell on this anymore because the year is over. Instead I want to look ahead to 2014 and hopefully a much happier year.
With that in mind, I only have one real resolution for the year:
Do whatever it takes to stop having so many bad days.
I want to smile and laugh a lot more this year. I want to be present in my life instead of always trying to hide away from it. I want to go to bed every night feeling good about how I spent my day rather than drowning in regret. I truly what to do whatever it takes to stop having bad day after bad day after bad day. I've been thinking about this a lot in the last few days and I've come up with a list of things I can work on to make this happen. So not goals in themselves, but tools to help me achieve my overall goal.
Listen to my children. I blow them off SO often. Way too often. When Shepard carries a board game to me ten times in a day, I should probably take the hint and get on the floor and play it with him. When Caden asks me for months when I'm going to go to school with him like some of the other moms, I should do whatever I can to make that happen for him. It's not really a mystery to find ways to make your kids happy. Listen. They're pretty obvious about what they want.
Read more nonfiction. I used to make myself read a chapter or two of nonfiction every day. And by nonfiction I usually mean inspirational books that nurture my relationship with God, my husband, or my kids. This requirement of myself has been all but forgotten in the past year. I want to get back to it. There are so many books out there that could lift me up and help me to be a better person. Fiction is wonderful, but I don't want to use all of my reading time simply escaping the real world.
Take better care of myself. Laying around doing nothing all day but stuff myself with unhealthy food isn't doing much to help my mood or my body! I don't have any drastic plans, but I want to simply make better choices this year. Exercise when a twenty minute gap in my schedule appears. Keep more fruits and vegetables stocked in the fridge where I can easily grab them when I start getting hungry. Move more. Try harder. Do what I can.
Be present. This is a big one for me. Instead of dealing with my problems I tend to just retreat inside myself, my computer, my books, etc. so I don't have to think about things anymore. I want to stop that. I want to deal with that's around me head on, even if it's not going to be pleasant. I'd also like to just start enjoying the opportunities I do have, but often walk away from. I have a very bad habit of disappearing when Greg walks in the door at night because I'm so overwhelmed by my kid problems. I don't want to do that anymore. At least not every single night. We have so many chances to bond and laugh as a whole family and I'd like to start taking advantage of that.
Stop unnecessary spending. I love online shopping. So many deals and it's so easy to do. But the truth of the matter is that more than half of what I buy online I really do not need. It seems like a great idea at the time and usually by the time whatever I ordered arrives I regret wasting my money on yet another thing. This is the year I want to start asking myself every time a "good deal" comes up if it's more important than buying a house. Because the answer is probably always going to be no. It's been three and a half years now since we've owned a house and I'm starting to really miss it. I've reached the point where I really think we need more space, but there's nothing we can do about that unless I stop spending money.
Dream more. Dreaming is something I've kind of given up on this past year because nothing I really wanted seemed possible, so why think about it, right? I don't want that attitude anymore. I'd like to take a few minutes a day to think about my future and what I want out of it. Even if it's unlikely to ever happen, I can still entertain the possibility.
Well, I think this is a pretty simple resolution for the year. The tools I listed might not feel simple to implement all at once, but they are all doable. I can do this. I don't want to have another miserable year. It's the beginning of a new year, the perfect chance to step up and try harder at changing my life to the way I know it can be.
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